I have a beautiful rainbow baby. He is perfect in every way. Being pregnant with a rainbow baby after a storm (loss) is incredibly difficult. You always worry about the what ifs. You know that at any moment this could be over. I got an epidural with my rainbow baby, because I had ICP and was so afraid he wouldn’t make. I didn’t want to feel anything. I thought if I lost him and I didn’t feel the pain of labor that it would make it easier. Thankfully he was ok. But I was terrified. I remember begging God to not take him from me. I needed him and I couldn’t suffer another loss.

So what happens when you end up with a surprise baby. You already had your rainbow baby. It should be easier right?? Why is it like feeling it all over again. The pain! Im scared. Im terrified. I am unable to be excited. I can’t connect with it because my body has put up a shield. It is trying to protect my heart. But the truth is it doesn’t matter that I put up this shield because I already have some attachment even if I don’t want to admit it.

I have no desire to tell anyone because I know at anytime the “unthinkable” could happen. I know I should be happy and be thankful. There are so many women who can’t have children. Yet I have one growing in me. But I am afraid if I am happy for one second it will be over. I don’t want to put more ashes on my mantle. Everything happens for a reason. I am just not sure Gods reasoning for this and why so close to K’s birthday. Will they share a birthday?

Rest easy baby. I miss you so much. Seeing pictures of your cousin celebrating his second birthday made me think about the what ifs and who you’d be. I know that your death was always written down but I wish I knew more about you. I wish I knew what you would have liked. I want to see you playing with your siblings. Would you be feisty like your sisters or would have loved cars like your baby brother. Would you have liked music? Would you have danced or played football?

Since I will never know the answers to those things. I get to wonder do you celebrate your earthly birthday in heaven? Are you alone? Are you getting a lot of cuddles? Are you forever young? Or do you grow in heaven? I wish we had the answers for now I can only imagine.

I don’t know if people go to heaven when they die or if they are waiting until God makes his return. But I do believe that when babies are born sleeping they go to heaven right away. They never had a chance to sin. I hope that when the day comes that I meet Jesus that you’re there waiting for me.

“How could this happen? We had gone through so much in the last year that are hearts were already full of pain and sadness. You were a blessing. How could this happen? We wanted you so bad! It didn’t matter that you were number 8. You were going to complete our family. We needed you. I need you!!
My heart has been broken for 10 days. It is now missing a part of it. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again Baby K. I don’t know how long until that happens. I pray God is giving you lots of hugs from Mommy and Papa. I would have saved you if I could have.
Now I have the ashes of the baby who should have been. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to respond. I want my baby back!!!!!!!!”

These words were written two and a half years ago. Everyone said it would get easier. Guess what it didn’t get easier. It doesn’t hurt less. The truth is I have learned how to live with the pain. I have learned how to smile through the ache. I have learned how to pretend like everything is ok even on the days I want to hide under the covers. I am not done grieving. My grief is forever changing. But I am living with it. ❤
Rest In Peace K! We miss you so damn much.

This has been too long. I wanted to write but I didn’t have the courage or strength. Today is two years since my life changed completely. I woke up in blood. I had to check on my dad and taught a couple of classes. I knew what was coming. I knew there was nothing that could be done After a couple of hours I went to the hospital. It felt like forever. The hospital was so busy they didn’t have any rooms. They had to put me is a psych room to wait which was even more depressing. The nurse told me over and over “Woman bleed in pregnancy. I am sure its nothing.” They sent me for an ultrasound the ultrasound tech told me “I can see the heartbeat I just need a closer look.” I felt like I could breathe some. Maybe I was wrong maybe baby K would be ok. I sat in the psych ward waiting forever wanting the doctor to come and tell me my baby was ok, but worrying he would tell me my baby wasn’t ok. I remember the tall, thin man walked in. He pulled a chair next to me. He sat down. He looked me in the face like he had seen a ghost and he spoke those words “I am sorry there is no heartbeat.” It took two days for me to deliver baby K.

It’s been two years and I still don’t understand why God took you from me. I needed hope so bad. Life was hell for me then and I needed you. WHY?????? I was so excited for our squad goals. You were a blessing in some of the darkest days. I didn’t think it could get worse until I lost you.

Its been two years and sometimes I wish I could just get over it. I don’t want to feel the pain. I don’t want to hurt. Why can’t I move on? Everyone else has!!! I never knew this kind of pain could exist before I lost you. This emptiness in my heart. It just aches and it is so lonely. Why can’t I move on too? Why can’t I not ache? I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just want to feel normal. In the last two years the only thing that has changed is I can breathe most of the time. The pain is still there. The ache is there. The hole is there. I just want to feel normal again.

What is a birthday? Does a baby born with no heartbeat have a birthday? These are the types of questions I have been asking myself. The answer is a birthday is a day that you were birthed. Which means that a baby with no heartbeat does have a birthdate because they are still birthed.

I have so many emotions that I don’t know where to start….

Guilt….

Since loosing baby K over 11 months ago we had baby E. I love baby E very much and I am so thankful for him. But loving him makes me feel guilty. If baby k would have not ended in miscarriage than baby E wouldn’t be here. I feel guilty for loving him so much. I came to the conclusion that I can no longer allow myself to feel guilty over this. If K had been born alive I wouldn’t have known E. HOWEVER, because K wasn’t born alive I am allowed to be excited for my baby E. I am allowed to love him guilt free. But that doesn’t take away the pain of loosing K or the baby K’s memory.

Pain…

I thought having another baby would take away that pain of loosing K. In reality it made it more painful. The constant worry if the baby would make it through the pregnancy. Then when the emergency arrived during pregnancy the worry of loosing the baby intensified.

Sad…

The one year mark is coming up. A year ago I was so excited for baby K in a few weeks it will be a year since I held my baby in my hands. It will be a year since part of my heart went missing. I have not been the same since loosing K. And while I still mourn baby K the world around me has continued to move on. Baby K’s name comes up less and less.

 

. It’s very hard to see the babies that were born around the time K was due. It is still hard to go to baby showers or to hear pregnancy announcements. After having E it should be easier but its not. Its not because my baby can’t be replaced by another baby.

My oldest child called baby E by baby K’s name yesterday. Thinking back to it that moment meant so much to me. He was recognizing that baby K’s life meant something to our family.

It’s been awhile since my last post. So many emotions these last few weeks. It’s definitely a wild roller coaster. It’s one that you do in the dark so you never know what twist or turn  is coming.

Last Monday was one of the scariest days of my life. I couldn’t breathe and I could feel my heart skipping. I thought I was going to die. It was a long week with no answers and appts. I still have issues breathing at times and my heart rate is high. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified. At this point I’m just praying for answers and the safety of me and baby E.

I’ve been so preoccupied with these health issues that I’ve learned a lot about what I want out of life. I have been unable to see my dad and I miss him. The closer d day comes the more nervous and anxious I get that something may go wrong. I know that anything can happen in an instant. I miss baby K. I fully believe that baby K is watching over me and baby E.

• Until next time

As your due date approaches I remember the good and the bad. I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. I was scared and excited. I remember telling my Papa in a notebook that we write notes to each other in. I remember him telling me it was going to be ok. We could handle anything. I remember the first ultrasound and seeing you flutter around. I remember the next ultrasound where they assured me there was a heartbeat only to tell me moments later there was none. I remember every moment of the weekend I lost you. I remember how the doctor  told me there was no heartbeat. I remember the goals I had for myself, you, and the pregnancy. I remember the names I called you. I remember the incredible bond I felt with you. A closeness I had never felt in any other pregnancy. I remember how I couldn’t call the funeral home. How handing you over was so hard. I remember you. I remember every date and every moment. I remember holding you in my hands. I remember how you shared the same nose as your siblings. You were perfect. Loving you was so easy, but loosing you has been so hard. The heartache can be unbearable at times. Its a lonely place. I want to live normal, but my new normal doesn’t feel the same. I remember when it feels like no one else does.

 

 

My dad has ALS. ALS takes everything from you except your mind. It takes your voice, your movement, and your breathing. These  people with ALS go from living like you and me to not being able to move. They use an eye gaze machine to speak for them. They eventually have to have a tracheostomy and a feeding tube  if they want to continue to live. They are trapped inside their body. ALS is horrible disease. There is no cure.

Caring for someone with ALS is tremendously hard. (If you’re a caregiver to anyone your an angel. God Bless You!)   Caring for my father meant waking up every 2 hours to roll him and making sure he was ok. It meant spending majority of my time at home because going out was nearly impossible without an extra person. It meant being too tired to play with my kids. It meant missing appointments for my daughter because I was unable to get him out. It meant missing my children’s sports games. It meant feeling like a failure because I was physically and mentally unable to care for him and my children the way I felt I needed to.

My dad wasn’t my only responsibility I also have seven children. I had a full time job where I worked from home. My husband helped as much as he could but his schedule was always changing and he had to work outside of the home.

Then came the blessing. I was pregnant. This was going to be a good thing. This was a sign from God. This baby is God telling me that everything is going to be ok. Being pregnant and caring for my dad proved to be very difficult. This baby was a blessing though so it was worth it. I tried to find help. I tried to get him nurses. Nobody was able to help me. My dad asked to go to a nursing home. He knew physically and mentally it was impossible to carry on like this. Finding a nursing home takes time.

During this time I tried to get help for my dad. I tried so hard to find an organization to  to help me.  I knew being pregnant meant I shouldn’t be lifting 200 pounds several times a day. And the stress that comes with caring for someone with a terminal illness is hard. What was I to do leave him sitting in bed in crap? We’ll thats neglect so I had no choice. And no one deserves to live that way. Caring for him I paid the ultimate price I loss my baby. I could go into more detail about this but I will spare you the painful details.

My dad is now in a nursing home. I am able to do so much more with my kids. I am able to be the mom I need to be. I shouldn’t have to worry about my father being cared for. But I have too. The nursing home sucks. Finding a new nursing home is extremely hard. My dad is supposed to be out of bed at 6 am and given his medicines. Today it is 10:00 am and he just got his medication and out of bed. THIS IS BECAUSE MY SISTER GOT HIM UP. Last week, the nursing home left him hanging off his wheelchair and  he now has an neck injury. The nursing home is supposed to check on him every 1.5 hours and give him a drink they do not and he is always dehydrated. There is a million and one things I could write about the neglect. I have called every state agency and they all tell me the same thing “we have to catch them in the act”. We’ll when the agencies are there they are on their best behavior.

My baby is dead because I had no help. I couldn’t get any help in the house. He is in a nursing home and he is worst off. You trust these people to care for your loved ones. Why is it so hard to find help? Why do these people not care? Would they treat their father like this? What does it take to get help? Has he not suffered enough? He didn’t ask for this disease! He doesn’t want to rely on people to care for him at 52 years old. ALS IS HELL! It is hell on him and the family. It is horrible to watch and now I have to worry about his well being. I am unable to lift him on my own now, so I can’t bring him home with no help. ALS is taking my dad and it took my baby. GOD PLEASE HELP US!!!

It’s hard to believe that it will be five months this month. I’ve learned how to fake it. I’ve learned how to get through day by day. I’ve learned how to hide the tears. I’ve learned that I am broken and nothing will ever change that, I’ve learned that living without baby K is incredibly hard. The truth is time doesn’t heal everything. Time doesn’t make it easier. You just learn how to hide the pain. You learn how to smile even though on the inside your heart is broken. Things I once loved aren’t the same. The beach was my happy place, but now all I see are broken dreams and things that will never happen. The guilt of loosing you is destroying me.

My husband is my biggest supporter. I know that know matter what he wants me happy. I know that he is always there. But what people don’t talk about is how the death of someone changes your marriage. Your spouse is the person you tell everything too. I am very open about my feelings but then I feel like its all we talk about. And if I talk about baby K less I feel guilty. No matter how strong your marriage is things aren’t the same after you loose your baby. We smile and pretend like it is but the truth is I am broken. There is an emptiness in my heart that can’t be fixed.

Every day on earth is one day closer to seeing baby K. Until we meet again you will never be forgotten. Mommy loves you!

It’s been almost 4 months. My heart still aches. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It doesn’t feel like four months has gone by. Yet it feels like an eternity. I’ve learned many things. Saying your name makes people uncomfortable even though it gives me comfort. People don’t want to talk about you because of their discomfort. Everyone has moved on with their life but me. I can’t move on because

I don’t know how. I don’t know how to accept a life without you in my arms. I don’t know how to be happy and not feel guilty because you aren’t here. 

Loosing you was not supposed to be an option. We had goals. We had plans. We were a squad. You were a blessing in the darkness that was going on. You gave me hope. You made me believe. Then just in a blink of an eye you were gone. 

Does it get easier? People think it gets easier because I’m not as vocal now. Because I smile. But the truth is I cry for you everyday. The truth is I think about you all the time. I look for signs everywhere. I believe you are our angel. I am so thankful you are ours. I just wish you could have spent a little more time on earth. 

I love you baby K. 

I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to feel like there is a huge hole in my heart. I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to feel like I’m crazy. But that is the  truth I’m not fine. I’m sad. I’m drowning in grief. My heart aches so bad that it is unbearable. I can smile and pretend to be happy but the truth is I am hurting.

Just 16 days ago I was looking forward to this precious life. I was ready to give it all my love. I had named the baby. I had prayed for the baby. I had bought clothes for the baby. I loved and still love Baby K as much as I love my children that are earth-side.

I wish I didn’t hurt. I wish I could feel normal. I don’t know how long I will hurt. I am not alone in this club. There are many of us grieving for a child. However, it feels very lonely. I wouldn’t wish anyone to join this club with me.

Please be patient with me. Understand I’m grieving. Grief is different for every person. Know that I want to talk about baby K. I don’t want baby K forgotten.

👼🏼 RIP my angel

-J