It has been 10 long painful days.

Eleven days ago I was still planning our future together. Imagining what you would look like? Wondering if your a boy or a girl? What would you be when you grew up? Which sibling would you look like? You were number 08! That was your number. Your spot.

Thursday started like any other day. Then I started to bleed with some brown spotting in the evening. This can be very normal in pregnancy. In fact I had it in previous pregnancies. I woke up at 3 am Friday to find the bleeding turned bright red  This couldn’t be happening. I knew  I needed to go to the ER. I also knew if I was going to lose you they couldn’t stop it. I am a caregiver to my father who has a terminal disease so I couldn’t leave the house until I knew he was being cared for.

I drove myself to the ER. Every step closer to the entrance I wanted to turn around. The thoughts in my head were awful. I am bleeding. I am going to lose my baby. My baby is gone, but  I am not cramping. It will be ok. Why am I here? I checked in and waited for what felt like forever. The hospital staff were amazing. They treated me with respect and told me it was probably nothing but let’s get check it out anyhow.

They had to do a urine test, then blood work, and lastly the ultrasound. It had to be done in that order. My urine showed I was pregnant. My blood work came back not great but the numbers vary so widely it wasn’t enough to rule a miscarriage. Finally, it was time for the ultrasound. That was fifteen minutes of almost pure silence. I wanted to ask questions but my mouth would not move. I got back to my room and the doctor came in within minutes. He wasn’t  making eye contact. He looked  sad. He looked up and said those words “I am sorry but there is no longer a heartbeat. We can see the baby but there is no heartbeat.”

My heart shattered. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t  think. I had a million questions in my head is he sure? Did he make a mistake? But they said I was probably fine. What did I do wrong? Did I cause this? I want my baby! What can I do to make my baby ok? The tears rolled down and I don’t remember much more  I know I sent my husband a text  I wanted to call but I couldn’t. I said “There is no easy way to say this… the baby has no heartbeat.” The hospital sent me on my way with instructions to follow up with my OB.

It was the weekend now. The OB didn’t want to see me on the weekend. No one told me what to expect. Thank God for google. I thought once the baby came out I would be better. I was wrong.

Sunday I woke up and I had to go to the craft store. I needed to make a box for the baby and a blanket.  I came home and painted the box  blue with pink letters that said “Baby K…. God needed you more…”  I was able to finish the box and blanket. I couldn’t stop crying so I napped. It’s now early evening and I’m very crampy. The pain is getting worse like contractions coming within minutes. I am about to head to the ER when it happened. I delivered my sweet angel. Still intact in the  sac. Oh, that baby had a perfect face with a smile across its mouth. Baby looked so peaceful, but mommy and papa were devastated .

How could this happen? We had gone through so much in the last year that are hearts were already full of pain and sadness. You were a blessing. How could this happen? We wanted you so bad! It didn’t matter that you were number 8. You were going to complete our family. We needed you. I need you!!

My heart has been broken for 10 days. It is now missing a part of it. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again Baby K. I don’t know how long until that happens. I pray God is giving you lots of hugs from Mommy and Papa. I would have saved you if I could have.

Now I have the ashes of the baby who should have been. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to respond. I want my baby back!!!!!!!!