This has been too long. I wanted to write but I didn’t have the courage or strength. Today is two years since my life changed completely. I woke up in blood. I had to check on my dad and taught a couple of classes. I knew what was coming. I knew there was nothing that could be done After a couple of hours I went to the hospital. It felt like forever. The hospital was so busy they didn’t have any rooms. They had to put me is a psych room to wait which was even more depressing. The nurse told me over and over “Woman bleed in pregnancy. I am sure its nothing.” They sent me for an ultrasound the ultrasound tech told me “I can see the heartbeat I just need a closer look.” I felt like I could breathe some. Maybe I was wrong maybe baby K would be ok. I sat in the psych ward waiting forever wanting the doctor to come and tell me my baby was ok, but worrying he would tell me my baby wasn’t ok. I remember the tall, thin man walked in. He pulled a chair next to me. He sat down. He looked me in the face like he had seen a ghost and he spoke those words “I am sorry there is no heartbeat.” It took two days for me to deliver baby K.
It’s been two years and I still don’t understand why God took you from me. I needed hope so bad. Life was hell for me then and I needed you. WHY?????? I was so excited for our squad goals. You were a blessing in some of the darkest days. I didn’t think it could get worse until I lost you.
Its been two years and sometimes I wish I could just get over it. I don’t want to feel the pain. I don’t want to hurt. Why can’t I move on? Everyone else has!!! I never knew this kind of pain could exist before I lost you. This emptiness in my heart. It just aches and it is so lonely. Why can’t I move on too? Why can’t I not ache? I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just want to feel normal. In the last two years the only thing that has changed is I can breathe most of the time. The pain is still there. The ache is there. The hole is there. I just want to feel normal again.
The big 8 