What is a birthday? Does a baby born with no heartbeat have a birthday? These are the types of questions I have been asking myself. The answer is a birthday is a day that you were birthed. Which means that a baby with no heartbeat does have a birthdate because they are still birthed.
I have so many emotions that I don’t know where to start….
Guilt….
Since loosing baby K over 11 months ago we had baby E. I love baby E very much and I am so thankful for him. But loving him makes me feel guilty. If baby k would have not ended in miscarriage than baby E wouldn’t be here. I feel guilty for loving him so much. I came to the conclusion that I can no longer allow myself to feel guilty over this. If K had been born alive I wouldn’t have known E. HOWEVER, because K wasn’t born alive I am allowed to be excited for my baby E. I am allowed to love him guilt free. But that doesn’t take away the pain of loosing K or the baby K’s memory.
Pain…
I thought having another baby would take away that pain of loosing K. In reality it made it more painful. The constant worry if the baby would make it through the pregnancy. Then when the emergency arrived during pregnancy the worry of loosing the baby intensified.
Sad…
The one year mark is coming up. A year ago I was so excited for baby K in a few weeks it will be a year since I held my baby in my hands. It will be a year since part of my heart went missing. I have not been the same since loosing K. And while I still mourn baby K the world around me has continued to move on. Baby K’s name comes up less and less.
. It’s very hard to see the babies that were born around the time K was due. It is still hard to go to baby showers or to hear pregnancy announcements. After having E it should be easier but its not. Its not because my baby can’t be replaced by another baby.
My oldest child called baby E by baby K’s name yesterday. Thinking back to it that moment meant so much to me. He was recognizing that baby K’s life meant something to our family.
The big 8 